Self-esteem: The art of love

Self-esteem: The art of love


  • 1 What is self-esteem?
  • 2 Where does self-esteem begin?
  • 3 The power of our internal dialogue is devastating
  • 4 Techniques to change our thoughts
  • 5 Profile of the person with low self-esteem
  • 6 Profile of the person with high self-esteem
  • 7 Suggestions for change

What is self-esteem?

The self esteemIt is the love we assign ourselves as people. It implies our thoughts, feelings and sensations or experiences that we are introjecting during our life, accepting our virtues and defects. It is the love we have for ourselves without being self-centered or narcissistic.

On the other hand, according to the Dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy, the Self esteem It is the generally positive assessment of himself.

Based on the above, people who have developed a high valuation, acceptance and respect for themselves have a higher self-esteem than those who have not achieved this goal. In counterpart. With respect to narcissism, in his work, the fear of freedom Erich From describes: Narcissism, like selfishness, is nothing more than an overcompensation for the basic lack of self-love.

Where does self-esteem begin?

It begins without realizing the negative labels we receive from childhood, of course we translate them into real or preceptual disadvantages: I wear glasses, I'm dumb, I feel ugly, I don't have money, I'm not popular, I don't have brand clothes

On the other hand, my frame of reference is completed considering the things that: 1) I think of myself, 2) what my teachers think of me, 3) what my friends think of me, 4) what my family thinks of my, 5) what society thinks of me and 6) what i consider I need in life to be happy and feel complete.

The power of our internal dialogue is devastating

In addition, my framework is being completed, according to the communication I have myself, which is known as "internal dialogue". So most of us unconsciously tell ourselves everything we have learned about ourselves and unfortunately they come out, much more negative than positive things, creating a vicious circle: thought creates reality: what you think generates a feeling and a feeling It generates a behavior of either happiness or sadness.

  • How I think I feel
  • How I feel I look
  • As I see myself, I reflect this and
  • As I reflect, it generates positive or negative behavior

Techniques to change our thoughts

Here are some simple ways to modify our thoughts, feelings and behaviors to guide them towards positive actions:

Hearing: Listen more to yourself than listen to what others tell you about the way you should behave: Carefully analyze the opinions of others about you, you and only you are the one who must make the final decision about your plans and projects, even if you are wrong.

Transform the negative to the positive

It consists of forcing ourselves to change our own fatalistic messages into positive growth alternatives;

  • "I better not speak", for "Today I have important things to say"
  • "I don't deserve to be happy" for "I feel able to realize my dreams"
  • "I am useless" for "I give myself the opportunity to learn new things.


If you think life is all or nothing, you need to assume that you go beyond colors; White or black. Thinking only in two shades creates anxiety and frustration if you do not achieve your goals. There are many more colors. No one is perfect or dumb, for some things we will be experts, but for others, not and that does not make us inferior or worth less.

Avoid comparisons

Who constantly compares himself, is destined to fail. You are unique and unrepeatable and that makes you unique in the world.

Nobody is perfect

If you think you are never wrong, you are wrong at the outset. Human beings are imperfect, but we are perfect, especially when we are wrong, we can learn from mistakes, so when you feel you are wrong you need to think; What should I do to achieve the desired results the next time I try? Is to turn the mistake into learning.

Value your triumphs

Every day at night when you go to bed you need to recognize the things you did well during the day. And congratulate yourself on the advances of the day even if they were minor.

Stand up

It is getting up every time we fall on any terrain: loving, economic, spiritual, social, etc. and transform it as a habit of life. It means stop being a victim and be an architect of your own destiny.

Profile of the person with low self-esteem

Some experts (Reynolds, 2003; Montoya, 2001; Rodríguez, 2004) point out the following:

  • He feels that it is worth little and expects others to assign it a value.
  • Accept attitudes such as deception, abuse and contempt of others.
  • He assumes himself as a victim and issues thoughts such as: I have suffered a lot! "They don't understand me", etc. Consider that the guiltIts situation depends on others and not on oneself.
  • He tends to commit self-destructive acts against himself such as abusing alcohol, drugs, dropping out of school, prostitution, controlling weight (anorexia).
  • Seek recognition of others by showing off material things.
  • It usually grows in families where they face feelings of worthlessness, criticism and punishment for mistakes.
  • Through complaints and criticism he seeks the attention and sympathy of others.
  • He has compulsive need of draw attention.
  • He usually interrupts inappropriately so that others notice what he is doing.
  • It shows excessive fear of being wrong in fact the fear of not succeeding paralyzes and. Presents an insecure attitude.
  • He trusts himself and has a challenging and aggressive attitude.
  • Cover up your frustration and sadness with feelings of anger.
  • The fear of lack of approval makes up for it by transforming its insecurity into a aggressive behavior.

Profile of the person with high self-esteem

  • It is accepted as it is, having a positive and cheerful attitude towards life, appreciating the good of others.
  • It grows in a family where differences are appreciated, love manifests itself openly, mistakes serve as learning, communication is open, norms are flexible, etc.
  • He is able to set goals and delay gratification in order to achieve his purposes.
  • He is generally responsible for his task, helpful and tries to solve the problems.
  • He is assertive and expresses his opinions.
  • Face the world with greater security, relate to positive people, not afraid to develop their skills.
  • Accept challenges, take risks and try new things.
  • It gives priority and hierarchy to their own interests, not harming anyone.
  • It does not hurt, humiliate or devalue, avoid damaging their interpersonal relationships through violence; does not allow others to mistreat them emotionally or physically.
  • It is open, accepts errors and qualities; He speaks of achievements and failures directly and honestly so he feels competent to live the demands and challenges of life.

Suggestions for change

  • Accept yourself as you are (with virtues and defects).
  • Who put you in the head that you were a…? You are what you think of yourself and act unconsciously accordingly.
  • Polish your perception lens to see you from another angle and change your beliefs.
  • Learn to reinterpret the past, which cannot be changed, but to face it more positively.
  • Stop comparing yourself to others. You are a unique and unrepeatable being!
  • Know yourself is the beginning of true wisdom.
  • Start taking responsibility for one's life.
  • Recognize yourself when you have had some achievement, starting with small goals.
  • Take an inventory of your virtues and defects in order to discard behaviors that do not work, keep those that are functional and invent those that are necessary to be able to relate to yourself and others healthily.
  • Reduce the level of self-criticism, thinking more about alternatives than the obstacles present in your life.
  • Analyze your personal life story and your origin: who am I? Where do I go? And who am I going with?
  • Learn to express your emotions and feelings.
  • Leave the past where it belongs: "back", however painful it may have been.
  • In the worst of forecasts, if you can't achieve it alone, go to the specialist you trust.

To know more

From E. (1989) Fear of freedom, Editorial Paidós, Buenos Aires.
Reynolds P. H. (2003) The Point. Serres editorial, Barcelona.
Montoya M. A. & Sol C. E: (2001) Self-esteem: Strategies to live better with NLP and human development techniques. Editorial Pax, Mexico.
Rodríguez N. (2004) How to develop your self-esteem: change your life, improve your relationships, Editorial Ocean, Spain.

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